Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
