Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
