hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Help. Why am I so naked?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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