Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
