so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
