Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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