We won't sleep together?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
