I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
