Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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