I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
