My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Randomize
