some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
