I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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