those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
