I'm eating all of the evidence.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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