its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you didnt know i had herpes?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
