i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
