I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I want to fling myself into the sun
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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