Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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