Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
His hands were made for my vagina.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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