Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
