I wish my penis had an off switch
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Fuck appropriateness.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
