WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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