before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
