Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
