you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
