We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Of course I have a pirate flag
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
