When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
