he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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