you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
