im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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