is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
