Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
