Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
