my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
