Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
