Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
