"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
