Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
