woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
