I think I just saw someone hide a body.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
