btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
