And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
