God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Banned from zoo.
Again?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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