I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
