I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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