I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
