Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
