Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
