barbara walters just said penis...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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