I hate your face
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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