my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
