my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You took a bar mat shot.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
